I Don’t Feel The Spirit Often..
It’s not often I feel the spirit often. And I think of Lehi and Nephi who both saw intricate visions. Joseph Smith saw God himself & Christ. Joseph in the Old Testament had dreams that saved an entire civilization. Most in the scriptures have angels appear to them. Actually, if I don’t think too long on it, most scriptural stories have things happening in big ways, with parted seas and walking on water and burning bushes and mountains moving.
But then there’s me over here, hiiiii, and none of that has ever happened to me. It’s not often at all actually that God comes to me in big ways. And that can be hard when it comes to knowing when or IF AT ALL the spirit actually does anything in our life. Is the spirit even directing me when it is rare that I feel overcome?
I was 21 when I was confirmed a member of the Church. The 21 years without the gospel became an anchor for me to hold on to when the hard times come & the doubt & wonder comes, it blew getting baptized out of the water! When I got baptized, I was happy, but mostly wet. And cold. BUT when I got the gift of the Holy Ghost, that was a PHYSICAL thing for me. I physically felt myself get that gift.
The contrast really was huge. After going 21 years without it, the difference really was real. with that contrast came a surety & determination to stay when it’s hard. And it IS hard. That contrast is what I hold on to in my doubting times & wondering times & the times God is quiet— but even with that stark contrast, I know I still fall victim to the snares of doubt & fallen victim to confusion. I find it difficult to picture myself like those we are confirmed at 8 who may not remember that contrast. Regardless, all of us have wondered where the spirit is & where it’s impact in our life & is it really is always with us if we don’t feel we recognize or feel it often? BUT WHAT IF— the spirit IS guiding & speaking & directing us SO SEAMLESSLY because of the promise of it always being with us, that we don’t even know what it’s like to not have it? What if— we’re so used to working with it for so long, we don’t give it full credit? What if— we unconsciously overlook it & take it for granted because it’s INGRAINED IN US SO WELL. Just like He promised.
I’m good at unconsciously limiting our limitless God. I limit Him to only a few adjectives & when He doesn’t fit within that simple box that I myself placed around Him of how He comes to us & answers us & helps us, I wonder and doubt where He is & His role in my life, similarity when He doesn’t come to me in those ‘big’ ways. But when I am reminded of the reality of my before & after, I know in those quiet & hard times, He is showing me ‘what else’.
Because of going so long without Him & His resources & because of the contrast I felt, I know that He IS always there. And although I may not feel or recognize the Holy Ghost as often as I would like, doesn’t change the reality that it really is always with us. The consistent & constant subtle ays – small ways – unnoticeable ways – how beautiful it is, to experience His promise so smoothly & seamlessly. Sometimes, and more commonly, we attribute the *more noticeable* experiences and feelings, to just being our gut feelings, and dismiss or not recognize the rest.Most times it’s so subtle we don’t recognize it at all or we attribute it to ‘us just being us’ & acting without thought or out of personality or character. How beautiful that is. To have it part of us like that.
I wonder how life could blossom if we stripped down some layers of second guessing & standing still, and took confidence in the resources and promises He has given us? I wonder how different our life could be if we took greater confidence in being a CONFIRMED member & moved forward knowing God’s promises do not fail us. To move forward knowing God does not fail us. What a THRILL it is to keep moving forward through it all. Seeing it all unfold. Life blossoming in new ways, His ways. How beautiful that is. Simply to be part of it all. xoxAL
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