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  • alcarraway

I've Lost My Soul


On the week of my book deadline, I've lost over 10 pages of weeks, and weeks, and weeks of deep research for my last few chapters.


But it's not just months of research are lost and need to be redone. It's like all the sacrifices to miss things I love, things with my kids, everything I sacrificed for was in vain. And it's halted other needed things of great important for financial substance, which will now be continued push back even further. It's not just redoing & re researching, it's a high cost of family and financial that I am too fatigued and too strained to push back any more.

It’s like I’ve lost part of me that I can never get back. I’ve lost part of what Him and I built together so intimately. And I’m very much grieving over the sacrifice and loss.


I'm broken.

I feel gutted. Stripped. Feeling lost after what I have lost.


But the thing about lost is,

we can always be brought back. Never out of sight, never out of His reach,never too far gone.


When thinking of His sheep, Jesus says, 'I must bring.’

Must. He goes after them.

Seek & save.


The sheep is always worthy of rescue b/c it is His.

It is loved by the shepherd,

it belongs to the shepherd,

named by the shepherd.


He does not give up on us,

He does not grow tired or weary,

nor will He be in need of a break from coming & carrying us.

It is what He was foreordained to do—it is His existence to do, to rescue.


He carries us out of those lonely places, those tired places, those unwanted places, those painful places. When we are on His shoulders, He is literally lifting us higher. To give rescue, to relieve, the rest. To carry is to do that what we cannot do on our own. When we allow ourselves to be carried back by Him, He brings us somewhere better, He brings us to new places, better pastures, filled with nourishment, protection, care, guidance. He gives us ‘life', 'and that they might have it more abundantly.' Life more abundant!

He is good. I am a good shepherd. I am your shepherd. I am your safety, I am your fighter, I am your leader, I am your protector, your rescuer. And I do not grow weary in being yours. He leads & He does not lead astray.

Just like the time in between death & resurrection,

He allows space to mourn. To feel. To reflect, look inward, look upward.

But Saturday is not the end.

Sunday is coming.

Our Shepherd is coming.

What once was lost will be found.

Because we are His. Because we are numbered. Because He is good.

xox AL

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Jose Vasquez
Jose Vasquez
Sep 19, 2022

IF YOU KEEPFOLLOWING MARVIN THIS WILL BE YOUR LIFE ...HE WAS MY COLLEGE MATE IN EL SALVADOR NOW HOW STUPED PEOPLE FALL FOR IT? A MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION...THE SAVIOR ALREADY PAYFOR AL;L YOUR WEAKEDNESS IT WILL BE THE SAME UPTHERE IF YOU GO WELL .IF YOU GO HOME IN WITCH I DOUT I WILL EVER SEEYOU ...THE LORD IS BEUTIFULL AND HE WORK FOR HIS WORK OF HIS PEOPLE

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Jose Vasquez
Jose Vasquez
Sep 19, 2022

this world is full of people that will destroyed your life everyday struggle cause they never rest till you give up.into their fear how making your burnable that you dont know nothing compere that creepy faschad they present to the ladies ...and eventually destroyed all all you are and became a partof their durty rags.. very sad but Im very proud of is that they not longer hold the men hood jesus gave it to me ...it is not worst it to destroyed eternaty for a third class hotel>

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annieecrapo03
Jun 16, 2022

Al, I was wondering. When you found out you were pregnant with your first child, we’re you scared or terrified? Me and my husband found out we are pregnant we have been married a month and I just got diagnosed with depression. How do I handle all of this?

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C Dockter
C Dockter
Aug 05, 2022
Replying to

Hang in there. Heavenly Father will be with you through all the ups and downs of life. What you are feeling is normal. Depression is on the spectrum of emotions than all of us experience and go through in some seasons of our lives. My wife and I have both been through some pretty challenging times. Get some counseling, becoming a parent can be so overwhelming, but as sure as the sun rises, you will be happy again. My only advice as a Father is get counseling, and only take medication as a last resort. I’ve seen the devastation that can be caused by the consequences of messing with the chemistry of your brain. It’s like a bandaid f…

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Mulu ulum
Mulu ulum
May 11, 2022

I’m sorry for your loss. I can see you sacrificed everything and poured your whole heart into this. Getting nothing in return is distressing and painful. Jesus knows what that's like. He fed, preached, and looked after Judas for 3 years and was only met with betrayal. He even washed his feet. The humility of Christ! After 3 years of devoting himself to his disciples, not 1 was seen at his crucifixion. His lowest & loneliest hour. The only people that stood by him were the women. From his birth to his ministry, to the cross and his resurrection. Yes. All women. So be encouraged. Jesus went through it all alone so that you didn’t have to. “If we are…

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kimberlyssltd
May 05, 2022

This has happened to me. It hurts. You don't know how to start again. But since it's happened more than once, I've started calling it a "God edit". He knows something needs to change. Maybe in the book, maybe in (me) you. And I realize it's another lesson in learning to trust him. Hugs girl. He's got you.

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