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  • alcarraway

I've Lost My Soul

On the week of my book deadline, I've lost over 10 pages of weeks, and weeks, and weeks of deep research for my last few chapters.

But it's not just months of research are lost and need to be redone. It's like all the sacrifices to miss things I love, things with my kids, everything I sacrificed for was in vain. And it's halted other needed things of great important for financial substance, which will now be continued push back even further. It's not just redoing & re researching, it's a high cost of family and financial that I am too fatigued and too strained to push back any more.

It’s like I’ve lost part of me that I can never get back. I’ve lost part of what Him and I built together so intimately. And I’m very much grieving over the sacrifice and loss.

I'm broken.

I feel gutted. Stripped. Feeling lost after what I have lost.

But the thing about lost is,

we can always be brought back. Never out of sight, never out of His reach,never too far gone.

When thinking of His sheep, Jesus says, 'I must bring.’

Must. He goes after them.

Seek & save.

The sheep is always worthy of rescue b/c it is His.

It is loved by the shepherd,

it belongs to the shepherd,

named by the shepherd.

He does not give up on us,

He does not grow tired or weary,

nor will He be in need of a break from coming & carrying us.

It is what He was foreordained to do—it is His existence to do, to rescue.

He carries us out of those lonely places, those tired places, those unwanted places, those painful places. When we are on His shoulders, He is literally lifting us higher. To give rescue, to relieve, the rest. To carry is to do that what we cannot do on our own. When we allow ourselves to be carried back by Him, He brings us somewhere better, He brings us to new places, better pastures, filled with nourishment, protection, care, guidance. He gives us ‘life', 'and that they might have it more abundantly.' Life more abundant!

He is good. I am a good shepherd. I am your shepherd. I am your safety, I am your fighter, I am your leader, I am your protector, your rescuer. And I do not grow weary in being yours. He leads & He does not lead astray.

Just like the time in between death & resurrection,

He allows space to mourn. To feel. To reflect, look inward, look upward.

But Saturday is not the end.

Sunday is coming.

Our Shepherd is coming.

What once was lost will be found.

Because we are His. Because we are numbered. Because He is good.

xox AL

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