STOP— just stop scrolling for a sec to read this. Ten years. It’s been 10 years and still this morning I woke up & the first thing that happened was I ended up in tears. Multiple comments from multiple members of our church, and those who chose to hit the follow button on my instagram, creating a long strand of how disgusting I am. NO, no, this had nothing to do with my tattoos– they mentioned specifically my weight & the color of my hair???? They all quite literally said “nothing about this woman is mormon anymore.” (Apparently spirituality is based on that??????)
10 years I’ve been a member. TEN YEARS straight I have been told by ONLY members of my church that for every reason you can THINK of, (probably ones you wouldn’t believe), that no matter what I’m doing or how I dress or look, or what I write: That I’m doing it wrong. Ya’ll have been extremely creative through these 10 yrs to find the most bizarre reasons to tell me that I do not belong.
Only members of my church have told me, still, for 10 years straight, word for word, that God does not love me.
As a convert from the east coast, “Bothers & sisters” is a literal term. Church family is quite literally family. In every way. Oooooh how ignorantly excited I was to follow the spirit away from my small east coast branch knowing where I was going completely by myself, abandoning literally everything to follow my new-found God, I would still have “family” there for me.
TEN YEARS and it’s my “family” that are the only ones that continuously cause unexpected tears in the morning right when I wake up. How ironic this all has been to me, because I thought we were all supposed to be in this together? Why is it people are so set on driving people away?
Nothing I hate more than when my integrity and intentions are assumed and exploited by people I’ll never meet. Nothing worst than your entire character and SOUL are destroyed by people who I thought were in this together with me, because there will always be someone waiting to get offended by something because they hold the world to their own personal expectations.
But here I am, 10 years later & though it all— the hurt, the tears, the confusion, the loneliness, the judgement— I really like me. I reaaallly truly like me. And when you have found contentment and love in yourself THERE IS POWER that comes to you & protects you.
The power to keep going. The power to move past it. The power to show up still. The power to laugh minutes after tears during breakfast with your husband. I’m not letting anyone turn me away from a REAL God and I hope everyone invests to get to that point, too.
LISTEN—PLEASE, LET GO of any hurt or weight caused by others. of any hurt or weight caused by others. Who is anyone to say you don’t belong here or part of this church? Who is anyone to tell you that God is not your Father & you are not His????
LISTEN—PLEASE, please please please, with ALL THAT I HAVE LEFT IN ME— INVEST in taking the time to learning how to like yourself. PLEASE, pllleaaaassseeee invest in being able to see yourself the way that God sees you. THERE IS A PROTECTING POWER that comes— there is a contentment & happiness that comes— And wow does life blossom when you invest in building and knowing in what really matters. It’s God that matters. it’s your SOUL that can never die that matters. It’s taking advantage of every second we have to LIVE on this planet, in this phase of life we will never have again, that matters. It’s you that matters. It’s how God sees us is what matters. And He sees us as someone capable of becoming like Him. And when you invest to feel & KNOW that, everything else is just noise.✨ xoxAL
READ MORE FROM AL! BOOKS: Wildly Optimistic : Gaining New Perspective to Life’s Challenges More Than the Tattooed Mormon: HERE Cheers to Eternity: HERE. Scripture Study Journal: Rooted Fireside CD: Choosing God in Hard Times Inspiring Video Messages: HERE More products: journals, home decor, jewelry: HERE. Instagram: @alcarraway | Twitter: @alcarraway | Facebook