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  • alcarraway

My heart … beating so fast…

I AM FROM WHERE IT STARTED. I had my lessons with missionaries in the Sacred Grove. The first time I ever spoke to God was in the same land of tress where GOD & CHRIST THEMSELVES appeared to Joseph.

I’ve stood where Joseph had stood many, many times. I stood in the exact spot where angel Moroni appeared to him 3 times in his bedroom. Climbed up & walked around & sat still so many times where ancient, ancient plates really were buried.

I have FELT the bullet hole in the door that killed Hyrum Smith & I have looked out the window frame where Joseph gasped his last words, OH LORD, MY GOD, as he fell 2 stories down to his death, his limp body lying next to a well that I also stood next to.

And in these moments, my heart … beating so fast and I felt my SOUL JOLT within myself. And in these moments, I felt sure. And unstoppable. And whole. I. FELT. ALIVE. And anchored. And revived. And restored.

And uggghhh, I know too well the doubt, the weight, the silence, the confusion, the hurt, the unwanted. BUT with the reality of all 👆🏼that, I refuse to let the adversary’s pathetic attempts take away from all those times when I, in reality, DID feel Him. God. The times I really did feel whole & hope in the midst of times I logically shouldn’t have.

I refuse to let the adversary take away from the reality of those times I have felt my soul DANCING within me. And the reality that every time I have felt these electrifying feelings, heart-pounding, soul-jolting, reviving-restoring stillness, I was living the gospel. And I was seeking after Him.

‘Cuz I sure as heck NEVER felt those goosebump moments that set my soul dancing before I got baptized.

I put in EVERYTHING I had with those elders, in this spot, to see if God was real & what can He do with me? But the work to put in never stops. And it is my greatest joy, giving me my greatest purpose.

This is all worth learning about more deeply, it is all worth working towards, it is worth fighting for. It is everything. It’s your soul. It’s your existence. And amongst it all—my weight, the heartache, the confusion, the doubt, We can feel ALIVE. And anchored. And sure. And whole. And revived. And restored.


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