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This was actually written for my personal church journal. Private gone public. So forgive me if this is a bit more personal than usual.
The past several months this one particular trial has been very consistent. It began to consume my thoughts & emotions more than it should have. It became draining. I had been looking for an answer of any sort to help overcome. Answers came. Inspiration came. But not to this particular situation. Comfort came when I asked in prayer, but the lack of answer allowed the advisory to creep back in & return back at square one.
I was laying on my floor with a towel on my head- coming in and out of consciousness- until it hit me. Confidence. Confidence with this specific situation & trial. Not at a time I was excepting. It came at a time when I abandoned all my own thoughts & desires & distractions. Due to fatigued, yes, but that is irrelevant. That is the only time when I would finally & fully listen. The spirit will teach always but it is not effective if we aren’t listening. Fully. It is not effective when we are listening for what we want to hear. When it is muffled out by our desires.
Sometimes I wonder about prayer. Sometimes I wonder those times where we are granted our desires because we ask in faith, diligently. Sometimes I wonder those other times where we have to retreat from them to see the ‘something better’ He has for us. And there are those times we spend our time & prayers almost with the impression, usually unconsciously, ‘I trust you but….’ (Fill in the bank.). I trust you but…I really want this still instead. I trust you but…this is too hard. But this is not what I wanted. I trust you but… I am not ready to change, or commit. But I am not ready to abandon my natural man. Sometimes you have to get to the point where you stop telling Him what you want & you just, finally, let Heavenly Father take over completely.
I don’t know how to tell those times a part. But I finally got there. Laying on my floor. In a bathrobe. Towel on my head. Half awake. I just gave it all to Him. And that… that is when confidence came. That is when I was overcome. Answers. Love. When that happens, whether it is in your initial favor or not, it is irrelevant. Because then you have the spirit & you know it is all done by the Hand of the Lord and you are at peace. You are comforted either direction it goes in. Your desires or His. Between me laying on my floor feeling this way, to now; typing this with my newly restored confidence, my situation still has not changed. I have yet to see the direction it will go in, my initial desires or not, but it doesn’t matter now. Because I have His comfort. His spirit. His hand. That is the beauty of submitting. Submitting Fully & completely. Without the ‘…But’s’. Confidence is restored. In yourself. In life. In Him.
Perhaps that is what He has been waiting for that whole time. Not just dropping a wish list off to Him because we have the faith & testimony that He answers prayers. But to slow down. To show commitment to Him like He does for us. To show love to Him like He does for us. To slow down and to have those humble moments where we physically feel His hand and guidance. One of the most desirable blessings of all. A blessing that we unconsciously & so quickly want to skip over to get right to the natural man’s reward. When those feelings from Him is the blessing the whole time! That when we finally allow ourselves to feel it, how grateful we become for those struggles that brought us to that point. Because feeling that, feeling Him, is the most incredible, indescribable feeling that we can ever have. A feeling that brings knowledge & revelation to makes us become even better. A feeling that allows us to receive the Best ever created, better then what we had in mind for ourselves. A feeling that is so powerful that it inspires & motivates us to conquer absolutely everything. Every struggle. Every hard time. Every temptation. Addiction. And to do so with happiness. That feeling is the blessing. He is the blessing. It is Him that is the solution to our struggles. All of them. If we just turn to Him. Fully. Completely. Without the ‘Buts’.
Let us not forget there is still so much to learn. We do not have it figured out yet. It is never a question if He is there for us. Because He is. Always. Completely & Fully. But it is up to us to be, too. Do not hold yourself back. Do not be afraid. He is always there. Comfort is always there. Guidance is always there. Arms are always open to us. It is up to us. Pray. Listen. Trust. Fully. Completely. Feel. Continue.