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Nov 2, 2021
1 min

Proving the Missionaries Wrong

Proving the missionaries wrong was all any of it was to me. I was happy & content when I met them! I thought religion was only something people turned to when something was going wrong in their life— a supposed God as some sort of mental comfort But that wasn’t me. I was not seeking. I was happy and content and I didn’t need help from anyone or anything, definitely not religion. I was set out to ruin the missionaries’ life, acting how they taught me only so I could go back

Nov 2, 2021
1 min

Dropped as an Investigator

And I was right there with them. I was nottttttt going back to church. Adamant. Nothing in me wanted to go back for any reason. To them and to myself, I was absolutely the LAST person that would ever get baptized. Even ask any of those who knew me! Everyone at some point, especially me, were sure about that. But without even realizing what I was doing,I was already dressed with the same dress on (I only owned 1), driving back to church the following Sunday. Which actually was

Nov 2, 2021
1 min

Reunited w/ My Elder

The most intimate thing we could ask someone to do is get baptized. B/c when we ask that, we’re asking them to change almost everything— not just what they do, but even the way they think. It’s overcoming, relearning, and rewiring the only way of living you know of, leaving behind years of habits, traditions, & sometimes family & friends. It can be severely overwhelming to gain a testimony– change is extremely scary when you have such a long history & contrast of life fill

Jan 10, 2021
2 min

My heart … beating so fast…

I AM FROM WHERE IT STARTED. I had my lessons with missionaries in the Sacred Grove. The first time I ever spoke to God was in the same land of tress where GOD & CHRIST THEMSELVES appeared to Joseph. I’ve stood where Joseph had stood many, many times. I stood in the exact spot where angel Moroni appeared to him 3 times in his bedroom. Climbed up & walked around & sat still so many times where ancient, ancient plates really were buried. I have FELT the bullet hole in the door t

Sep 13, 2020
2 min

houseless.

Ben & I have been taking a lot of showers together to talk. It’s what we do. If you have been following us on social media, you know very well us moving from AZ to NY, and the dreadful challenges that have prevented us closing on our house. We currently have been in a hotel for 32 days and counting. And although our situation has not changed & there is no timeline for an end, we’re in a gooood head space. How freaky parallel we are to the whole barges thing. The barges are b

Jul 19, 2020
4 min

it’s INTIMATE

We don’t really realize that this is one of the most intimate things we could ask someone—- intimate because it’s completely personal, it’s a person in their entirety — we ask someone to get baptized. Because when we ask it, we’re asking them to change almost everything— not just what they do, but even the way they think. It’s a complete transformation of their entire life, which created their entire being of existence on this earth that they know of. When we ask someone to g

May 21, 2020
2 min

When We Want to Quit

It would be so easy to quit, ya know? To give up. To go back— back where 21yrs of habit, tradition, contentment & culture lay DEEP within my ROOTS, in my being. I know very well the times where we are losing our voice, losing hope, losing strength– Those times that feel unheard, unanswered, unwanted, unfit, unworthy— to feel lonely, lacking, tired, tried, to wonder, to doubt, to guess, to struggle, to sink, to sacrifice— Like you, I know how it feels to think our faith is i

Mar 20, 2020
3 min

“Nothing about this woman is Mormon anymore.”

STOP— just stop scrolling for a sec to read this. Ten years. It’s been 10 years and still this morning I woke up & the first thing that happened was I ended up in tears. Multiple comments from multiple members of our church, and those who chose to hit the follow button on my instagram, creating a long strand of how disgusting I am. NO, no, this had nothing to do with my tattoos– they mentioned specifically my weight & the color of my hair???? They all quite literally said “n

Aug 11, 2019
5 min

Is God Always Good?

Is God good even when things are not? I found myself saying, “God is so good,” the other day after finally hearing good news for once at the baby doctor. But was God still good all the times I left hearing bad news? Was He still good after I received a high-risk diagnostic? Was He still good after continued and unfolding complications? Was God good when I joined the Church and I lost my friends and had years of silence from some family members? What of mine and my husband’s

Nov 10, 2018
1 min

Choosing God in Hard Times

Ever wonder where God is? Ever yell at Him wondering why things are/were so indescribably hard? Wonder if all your prayers really are heard? Or why you were asked to go through something so unwanted? Ever wonder if He cares about you? Or if He is even there at all? ‘Cuz same. But I’ve dedicated so much to travel & talk about the hard & real & HOW to choose God in hard times. How to keep going when you feel like you can’t. How to be happy & optimistic when you feel l

Oct 26, 2018
3 min

Carest Thou Not That I’m Struggling?!’

It is well known the raging storm that caused the apostles to yell, “Carest thou not that we perish?!” But perhaps maybe we can more see ourselves in our personal storms & our heavy thoughts & passing doubts & our pleadings of: ‘Carest thou not that I’m struggling?!’ Carest thou not that this is SO hard?! That this was unwanted? That I don’t deserve this? Thats this has been going on for TOO long? Carest thou not…that I don’t think I can go on…?! Carest thou not…about ME? Lik

Oct 22, 2018
2 min

Interesting, Isn't It? How Hard & Unnatural This is…

INTERESTING, isn’t it? Because of Isiah’s prophecy, for centuries, many young Jewish women had dreamed & wondered, “will I be chosen as the mother of the Messiah?” But not Mary. When she was told she was going to be the mother of Christ, she tried to tell the angel –not her– ‘Cuz she saw herself as a “handmaid.” In Hebrew, handmaid translates to ‘slave.’ Interesting, isn’t it? How we as woman are so quick to do that to ourselves? How we are so quick to lesser ourselves? How i

Oct 7, 2018
2 min

Our MOST Bitter Pain & Anguish of Soul

For 3 ENTIRE DAYS & 3 entire nights – nonstop – he was in the MOST BITTER pain. Torment. No breaks. No let-ups. Just paralyzing anguish that kept him crying to God. Completely consuming that whole time. But then… after the longest passing time of immobilizing struggle, he found peace to his soul. And so sometimes we feel like things are THE MOST consuming & THE WORST anguish– and we agonize over the passing time with no breaks or let ups– and we have to make the decision

Aug 21, 2018
2 min

TODAY MARKS 9 YEARS OF MY BAPTISM!

*THIS IS IT!! ** This was my apt. when I met the elders!!! This is where it ALLLL started. This is where I told the missionaries I wouldn’t listen unless they brought me a steak to eat – and they did! Those are the stairs we would sit on during my lessons. I drove by it this weekend since THIS WEEK WILL MARK 9 YEARS OF MY BAPTISM! I literally have no words. I was on a quest to prove them wrong — that you don’t need the gospel & all of these ‘blessings’ they were working

Aug 17, 2018
3 min

When I Was Single & Unwanted:

HEAR ME OUT: I literally never thought I’d get married. Lot’s of reasons & here’s a quick summary: -I would notice the kind of girls that were getting asked out & I began to be afraid that b/c I didn’t look a certain way, wasn’t a certain size w/ a certain style, or grow up in a strong gospel-centered family, or know how to cook or make my own skirts, I was forever going to be overlooked. -I didn’t look temple worthy. That not only did they not want to date me, but it was ha

Aug 7, 2018
2 min

IS GOD PUNISHING ME?!!

IS GOD PUNISHING ME?!! Why did it have to happen to me and not them? Did I do something wrong??? It isn’t fair, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Why would God bring me to this just for it not to work out? What am I supposed to be learning? What is the hidden blessing from this? What tragic thing could I be avoiding from this falling through? Was it taken away because I wasn’t grateful enough? Is there even divine meaning behind this, or is just life just being life? How

Jul 10, 2018
2 min

How 'All is Well' Can Be True DURING Trials

I went to bed a few Saturday’s ago trying to think of an excuse so I wouldn’t have to go to church the next day. I don’t know why, either. I just didn’t wanna go, ya know? Ever get like that? Where you know it’s important to pray and to read, but it doesn’t take away from feeling that you just…don’t want to. I told that to God as I fell asleep. It was just Gracie and I at church the following day, (Christian had a cold), and I woke up surprisingly anxious to take the sacrame

Jun 21, 2018
2 min

Our Youth Are Struggling (& maybe it's our fault).

IF ONLY people knew how many messages I get every.day. from young teenaged girls who struggle with pornography – maybe we wouldn’t have teachers start out lessons with, “I know none of you do this, but…” – and we can move past ignorance and be more loving, and productive with what the atonement is ALL about. I think we do a great job teaching how we should be living— but not a great job at all teaching what we need to do when mistakes are made. Not just pornography, but as

Jun 9, 2018
2 min

When Promised Blessings Don’t Come

I JUST got baptized, and I still didn’t know much about anything as far as the gospel and how things worked: like prayer, I still didn’t even know if I was praying “right,” haha. And I heard an experience from another member which actively confused me up until recently – ya know, 8 years later. She said a lady and her husband went to the temple and separately, they both received the same revelation that they were pregnant with a boy and they were supposed to name him a specif

Feb 26, 2018
2 min

MY SECRET VIDEO EXCHANGES w/ ELDER CARRAWAY

Five years ago this week Ben came home from his mission. Also 5 years ago this week was our first date anniversary! So, in spirit of this week, we are doing something we never thought we would do! As most of you know, Ben and I wrote each other for most of his mission–even though we never met in person. (You can read our full story in our book, Cheers to Eternity!) After a while of writing, we sent videos to each other. WE ARE FINALLY POSTING THE VIDEOS WE SENT TO EACH OTHER